Does Submission in Marriage Cause Abuse?

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You would think when a woman submits to and obeys her husband that it would cause her husband to abuse her with all the comments I get whenever I write about this topic. Let me ask you; do governments who have citizens that obey them, automatically abuse their citizens? Do parents who have children who obey them, naturally abuse their children? Do submission and obedience somehow cause abuse? NO!

Men who physically or sexually abuse their wives and/or children are evil men. Period. It has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not a wife submits to and obeys her husband. Evil men will abuse their wives regardless of their wives’ behavior. If a husband sexually or physically abuses a woman or her children, she needs to get help quick. {I wrote a post about what to do when your marriage is abusive.}

How to love through imperfection in your marriage

Whenever I mentor women to submit to and obey their husbands, their marriages gets better not worse. Why would a husband ever want to abuse a wife who learns what pleases him, enjoys frequent intimacy with him, doesn’t scold, manipulate, criticize or try to change him, dresses to please him, loves to fix his favorite meals, treats him with respect and allows him to lead his family, unless he was an evil man?

When I begin mentoring women and they tell me all the things they don’t like about their husbands, I ask them if their husband is a man who makes mistakes like Peter {who denied Jesus for a few moments when he was scared} or an evil man who does evil things like Judas {a false disciple that sent Jesus to His death}. Not one woman has told me that she is married to a Judas. Yes, he makes mistakes, sometimes big ones, but he isn’t evil.

Then I ask them if their husband loves his children, works hard providing for the family, and is faithful to them. The majority says “Yes” and I tell them that they are married to a good man. Many women would love to have a husband with these qualities. Some husbands haven’t been faithful, but it still doesn’t make them an evil man and many marriages have stuck it out after affairs to have great marriages.

love forgives quickly, love is a commitment, love isn't always easy but it is always good


God would not have commanded wives to submit to and obey their husbands if this was a recipe for physical or sexual abuse. God doesn’t work this way. His commands are for our good and best. Therefore, if you are married to a Peter, a man that has and does make mistakes, stay with him and learn to submit to and obey him. You have and will make mistakes also, but love forgives quickly. Love is a commitment. Love isn’t always easy but it is always good.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

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  1. Debbie Rhoades says:

    I realize it is frustrating for you to try to teach submission and then have these comments come up regarding abuse. I did read your article regarding abuse and appreciated it. Most husbands who love the Lord would never think of harming their wives, submissive or not. Your articles sound as if you are blessed with a good husband as am I so I understand why it is difficult for you to understand what abused women go through and how they think. However I as someone who grew up seeing my godly mother abused physically, emotionally. etc., and experiencing that same abuse along with my siblings, I can share from that perspective. No matter how submissive, gentle, and respectful my mom was it was never enough. There is so much fear involved it is difficult to express it in words. I realize that as Christians God has “not given us a spirit of fear” however when your life and that of your children is threatened you can freeze up mentally and not know what to do. There was a great deal of emotional manipulation by the abuser along
    with the physical. I just wanted to share that because sometimes when one has not experienced certain things it is easy to become critical of others that are going through abuse.

    1. I am so sorry you had to experience this, Debbie. Who is being critical of others that are going through abuse? I don’t know anyone who would be critical towards someone having to experience this but rather, I believe most would encourage your godly mother to seek help and probably even call the authorities on your Father. It sounds like he needed to be locked away for her and your protection. May God heal you of the wounds he inflicted upon you. No one should have to go through being physically abused!

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