The Detail That Slipped My Mind

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I am a super detailed person. In some cases.

In others, I miss the boat entirely.

I am uncomplicated like that.

I was on a mission yesterday, to get new Spanx. Even if they cost a bazillion dollars because I’ve had a bunch of kids and I have a two day event to attend. I am only half dreading it. You know, the being “on”  all the time is a bit hard for me. As much as I enjoy adult conversations, sometimes I just really like to observe. I suppose in my 30’s I have become an introvert?

I have one pair of Spanx. They only go from waist to mid-theigh and Lord help me if I bend over. They roll right down and get all caught up in my waistband which leads me to a crossroad at the corner of awkwardly adjusting them in front of the world, or awkwardly (and uncomfortably) walking away to the restroom (or a conspicuous place) to adjust them. You get the idea- awkward is the only option.

I Googled different Spanx styles yesterday. This is where I am detailed and want to see all of my options before heading to the place I dread- the mall. I knew exactly what I wanted- the style that goes from mid-theigh and all the way up to my shoulders. I really prefer to just order stuff  from Amazon, but in this case I wanted to guarantee a good fit that did not do the awkward waist band roll. The idea of coverage from my shoulders to my kneecaps just made sense. I do not want anything jiggling! Bundle me up. Please!

The super sweet 70 year old lady at the department store listened to my plea, “I want coverage from my shoulders to my knees- the full body shaper. Make me skinny!” She lead me off to my dressing room with two options. She gave me the most restrictive they had, which I had already seen online.  She was so kind and even offered to help me make adjustments once I got them on. (That kind of terrified me, I kindly declined.)

I was certain I would try this full body Spanx on and it would solve my every problem. I would look skinny for the next two days. Just like high school.

I put the first one on. Struggling. I yanked and pulled. Once it was on I could feel my pulse about to beat out of my body it was so snug. My breaths became short.

If I did not pass out driving to my event, I sure would look skinny. And deprived of oxygen. I put my clothes on over it to ensure it would cover as I had hoped. I needed the full experience. Then I realized, how in the world would I go to the restroom in this? I will have to totally undress 100%. One hundred percent! And public bathroom stalls are not made for that.

Are you serious?

Is it really worth it? Really?

How had I not thought of this before? Of course you cannot go to the restroom wearing one of these. The story of my life!

And then I realized. Spanx already thought of this and the solution freaked me out so bad I could not get out of that sucker fast enough.  (And to think this style is a best seller!)

Trust me.

The next time you are at the mall, check it out. You will see exactly what I am talking about.

The price we pay for skinny. I guess I will be jiggly today.  And the day after.

In the meantime, I will be having nightmares. I’ve been traumatized.