Growing Older

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When my 10 year old was a bit younger, we were driving in the car one day and he asked me what year I was born. I replied and told him 1977. He then wanted to know if I ‘was around when cowboys and Indians were around’. Granite, he was only in second grade at the time, and it really was cute, but man I felt old.

I suppose that was my payback for the time I asked my grandmother if her parents had a covered wagon when she was a little girl.

What goes around comes around, hua?

Today I am a day older.

Each year my close childhood friend Tiffany turns a year older, about 10 days before me.

Each year I ask her how does it feel to be whatever age we are turning as I send her birthday wishes.

This year, I forgot how old we were turning… I thought we were only going to be 31 until I did the math, again.

And again.

She always tells me the new age, whatever year it is, is not that bad.

I imagine we will get through this… no matter what age we are turning.

Nonetheless, I do feel it lately.

I was slightly shocked this morning when I got out of bed and my hips were still in place. My knees still moved. My back was fine.

I DO see the age in my face and in my eyes. Not around my eyes, IN my eyes.

The tired.

The unrested.

The droop.

The redness.

I have been seeing it for a while. Three years and nine months to be exact… not to be confused with the exact age of two little sweet boys named Nick and Luke.

That first step out of bed at 2:00 am to feed a baby or whatever calls me, reminds me that my feet still hurt from the day before. There are a lot of bones in your feet, you know. Stiff bones at that. I never realized how much mommy’s are on their feet until the twins were born.

Nonetheless, Mom’s never feel fully rested. Or, maybe I just have not met one yet. And I understand this comes with the territory.

When I look in the mirror there are days I hardly recognize that person I see. That person who no longer affords herself the Este Lauder face and eye cream at the Dillard’s counter. Did I really need that at the age of 21?

The woman who has grown accustomed to just plan jane sensitive skin face cleanser…. store brand at that.

And I am mostly ok with it.

(Heck, I have not been in a Dillard’s store in likely 5 years. I do not know that I could force myself to buy something in there these days.Kids need pants and shoes and hamsters…. ha!)

Over the last two years, I’ve cut my hair shorter and shorter. Just get it out of my way. Out of my face. Off of my neck.

It has gotten so short, I honestly had not noticed just how short- over the last year. I truly do not see myself when I look in the mirror.

Make-up, when I do wear it, is applied in between red lights wherever we are going.

All of this leaves me wondering if this is how my mother felt as her children grew up before her eyes. As she completely set her needs and herself aside, to raise us.

Did she recognize the stranger in the mirror? And for that matter, do other Mom’s? I know we must all feel this way at one point or another. For me, I feel it more today than ever…. at the ripe ol’ age of 32.

A day older. A day wiser. Beautiful children in tow. The children who teach me what life really is about… growing.

Growing taller.

Growing wider.

Growing bigger.

Growing grey.

Growing up.

and even

Growing old(er).

Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials. -Meryl Streep