Lori Alexander from Always Learning

Are You a Vow Keeper?

By Lori Alexander from Always Learning 2 Comments

When you try to improve your husband, you reveal a serious flaw in your character, the fault of self-righteousness. You indicate that you consider yourself better than he. {Helen Andelin}

Every single woman I have mentored wants to change her husband; every single one! The first time we meet for coffee, I spend time just getting to know them; their past and their lives. Usually they are very sweet and kind women. Later, they will tell me of habits or behaviors they don’t like about their husbands. They NEVER tell me how they are as a wife; their faults and what they do wrong. For some reason, it is always so much easier to see other’s faults rather than focusing on our own and trying to change them. We want others to accept us the way that we are so we should extend the same courtesy to our husbands.

Learning to accept your spouse just the way he or she is isn’t easy. It takes a determined effort to overlook their faults, but everyone has faults. There is no perfect spouse out there. We are all human. After 34 years of marriage, there are still things I’d love to change about Ken, but I have to remind myself that it isn’t my job to do that. I have to let him be who he is and dwell on his good qualities. Do you try to change your husband? Are you unhappy with him when he doesn’t live up to your expectations? How would you feel if he treated you the way that you treat him?

Did you know that wives are commanded by God to love their husbands? It has absolutely nothing to do with your feelings or his behavior. It has everything to do with obeying God. On the day you married him, you vowed in front of a crowd that you would love your husband in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, in riches and in poverty. Are you a vow keeper through the difficult times? Does making vows mean anything to you? I encourage all of you to be vow keepers and decide to love your husband through thick or thin and accept him, warts and all. A healthy society is built upon healthy, strong families.

What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

Mark 10:9

Marriage Advice

Becoming a Joyful Wife

By Lori Alexander from Always Learning 2 Comments

If your home has been filled with strife, hopefully peace is beginning to reign in your home; there is much less arguing. Yes, you’ll still blow it. It’s difficult to change behavior but it CAN be done. Practice makes perfect! You must continue to remind yourself that you don’t need to be right and get your way. The price for getting this is just too high. A house divided falls but a home united stands. You WANT your home to stand!

If your children fight and argue, talk to them about creating a home filled with peace. Tell them that there will be no more strife in your home. Explain to them that if they fight, they will sit next to each other on the couch for ten minutes without speaking. If they speak, the timer will be set for ten more minutes. After ten minutes, have them hug each other and tell each other that they love each other. {Silence is a very good discipline for them to learn.} In this way, you are training them to be peacemakers.

Now, you must learn how to become joyful. Becoming joyful is a choice. Every day, when you wake up decide that you are going to choose joy and be thankful. “A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing” {Proverbs 17:22}. Begin dwelling on the things you love about your husband. What are the qualities that caused you to fall in love with him? Is he a good provider? Does he work hard for the family? Is he a good father? Is he faithful to you? If you can answer yes to all of those questions, you’ve married a very good man! There are many single women out there who would love to have a man like yours.

You must renew your mind with truth. Look at the beauty around you. Be thankful for your warm bed and hot water that comes from the turn of a faucet. Be thankful for food on your table. Thanksgiving was last week but learn to have an attitude of gratitude all year round instead of complaining. If you have a roof over your head, food on your table, and clothing on your back, you are richer than most people in this world and you live better than the kings of old!

The Bible tells us that we are transformed by the renewing of our mind with God’s Truth. Read the book of Philippians in the Bible. This is the JOY chapter. There are so many wonderful promises and comforting words in this book. Colossians and Ephesians are wonderful also. God loves you. He wants you to be filled with joy. We can be joyful because of all the blessings He has bestowed upon us and for all the amazing things He has done. Choose joy today. Stop being ruled by your feelings and emotions. Yes, feelings are real but they should never dictate your behavior. No longer allow your emotions and feeling to boss you around! Put a smile on your heart, dwell on lovely things, and speak words of life to others, especially your husband.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.

Romans 12:2

Marriage Advice

How to Stop Arguing with Your Spouse

By Lori Alexander from Always Learning 3 Comments

Last week, I encouraged you to stop arguing with your husband. Many of you, I am sure, are wondering how to do this. After all, many marriage seminars and counselors will teach you how to fight fair or how to resolve conflict. The Bible has many verses about arguing and fighting. They can all be summed up in one word: Don’t!

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone. 2 Timothy 2:24

Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:1, 2

What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?…You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. James 4:1, 2

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike. Proverbs 27:15

I could give you many more but I think you get the idea. There are also many verses about pursuing peace with all men and being peacemakers.

Okay, so you now know that you aren’t supposed to argue. How do you stop? You simply share your opinions and thoughts and then listen attentively to your husband’s. Then leave it there. Respect his ideas or decisions and move on. It takes some biting your tongue and practice at first, but it does get easier over time. Getting your way and wanting to be right is never worth destroying the peace in a home.

All men desire a peaceful home. Peace is a wonderful thing. Your children will LOVE it also. Give peace a chance. Stop the strife in your home. Seek peace and pursue it!

Better is a dry morsel with quietness than a house full of feasting with strife. Proverbs 17:1

Marriage Advice

Stop Arguing with Your Husband and Start Smiling

By Lori Alexander from Always Learning 6 Comments

My husband and I have mentored some very unhappy couples. We’ve also known many couples who have gotten divorced. The sad thing is that most of these couples who are unhappy with each other and argue all the time or have gotten divorced are great people. When I spend one-on-one time with the wives, I love them! They are wonderful women who are easy to talk and share with. I can tell their husbands are good men, also. Are any of them perfect? No, but no one is perfect. What happens? Why do two good people end up fighting and getting divorced?

They stop learning to enjoy each other. They focus upon each other’s sins and faults instead of upon their good qualities. When I first begin mentoring a woman, all she does is tell me how horrible her husband is to her and all the things he does wrong. Then I ask questions about her behavior. Is she kind and generous with him? Does she speak negatively about him to others? Does she yell at him and get angry with him? Does she disrespect him? Does she treat him the way she wants him to treat her? {We do reap what we sow!}

I write about marriage because I want more couples to enjoy each other and stay together. Strong and healthy marriages are the foundation of a healthy society. It only takes one person to stop arguing and start smiling. Why don’t you be the one to begin this process? For some reason, the Bible teaches that a woman has a huge part in whether or not the marriage is strong. The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands {Proverbs 14:1}.

Realize he isn’t going to change, especially by nagging and manipulating him. Stop letting little things that he does bother you. Accept him the way that he is and even learn to appreciate the qualities you first fell in love with. Start encouraging him. Lighten up and start having fun. Thank God for him every day! A thankful heart accomplishes so much. Life is way too short to make anyone else’s life miserable.

I believe most couples could have a good marriage as long as they aren’t married to a truly evil man or woman. All it takes is a decision of the mind to start thinking good thoughts about him and learn to not always have to correct him, voice your displeasure, and remember how to smile. Your actions flow out from your thoughts. Renew your mind with God’s truth. Dwell on the lovely and the good.

Set your mind on enjoying your husband. Don’t get offended easily or hold grudges. Love forgives freely and easily. Make the decision to walk in love. Decide to be joyful and not argue anymore. Start serving him. This is what being truly rich really looks like…rich in love and rich in relationships.

Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Philippians 2:2,3

Marriage Advice

You’re Just Not Happy Anymore in Your Marriage?

By Lori Alexander from Always Learning 6 Comments

There are SO many times I hear women give this reason for leaving and divorcing their husbands; they just aren’t happy anymore. I just heard Jennifer Lopez say this on the Today Show about her marriage. They just weren’t happy together anymore so they decided to call it quits, even though they had two children together.

What about the children’s happiness? Don’t you think their welfare should be taken into consideration? Will they be happier if they don’t get to live with their mother and father? {Divorce is devastating for children.}

(Click to find more marriage advice.)

Many women say they just don’t love their husbands anymore, as if love was a feeling that comes and goes. Would you leave your children because you didn’t “feel” like you loved them anymore? Do you know that love is not a feeling but a choice and a commitment? It is even more than that, it is a command given to us by God to love others.

If you don’t “feel” in love with your husband anymore, can I offer you a challenge to love him anyways in obedience to God? Even though you don’t feel love, treat him like you love him and the feelings will most likely follow. Never base your actions upon your feelings. Base them on doing what is right in obedience to God. Being happy and joyful comes from doing what is right and what is best for others, not what feels good.

We are to love God. There are no feelings involved in loving God. Sure, once in a while you will get emotional and feel great joy in your love for God but mostly it is a commitment to love Him by obeying Him.

His greatest commandment to us is to love Him and love others. That “others” most definitely includes that husband you have promised to love and cherish until the day that you die. Be rebellious and be a vow keeper! Keep your commitments that you made to him on your wedding day: for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poor. So love on him. You do things God’s ways and you will reap His blessings. You do things man’s ways and you will reap man’s blessings. God’s blessings are far superior and lasting than man’s blessings.

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18

Her Arrogance Destroyed Her Marriage

By Lori Alexander from Always Learning 5 Comments

Expecting our husbands to know what we want without telling them is foolish! Many women expect flowers and gifts on special occasions. They want to be romanced and dined on their birthdays. They want their husbands to say wonderful and complimentary things to them often. They want them to make them feel like the most special woman of all.

Ali McGraw, a famous actress, believes her three marriages fell apart because she didn’t tell her husbands what she expected of them. She expected them to read her mind. ~ (Click to learn about no greater love.)

Because she followed the path of not expressing herself or allowing her true self to show, each relationship fell apart. Her expectation of her husbands, she says, was nothing short of arrogant {source}. I admire her for admitting her fault in the destruction of her marriages. It is a rare quality today. Usually when one goes through a divorce, we only hear how horrible the other spouse has been.

The greatest problem with expectations in marriage is the result of unfulfilled expectations, which is anger and frustration at the other spouse for not living up to our expectations. Since they aren’t treating us and doing for us the things we want, we get angry and upset with them. The home is then filled with an angry undercurrent that takes ALL peace away from the home and leaves destruction in its path.

Yes, she should have shared her expectations with her husbands. I have told Ken exactly what I want for my birthdays before. I will even remind him. He usually remembers and we are both happy! However, if after telling your husband your expectations and he fails to live up to them, forgive him as Christ has forgiven you. Let NO root of bitterness creep in and destroy your marriage.

Our husbands can’t read our minds and will never be able to accomplish this task. Even when we share our expectations, they may not be able to fulfill them. This is why the very BEST thing you can do is place no expectations on them and place them on yourself instead. Decide to become the best help meet in the world to your husband: loving, serving, and pleasing him. THIS is the best way to work on having a great marriage!

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another,

because love covers a multitude of sins.

I Peter 4:8

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