Sometimes I make decisions based on emotion. I do.
When I found out I was pregnant with Matthew six years ago, our last baby, I was so frustrated. I share this vulnerably knowing others could judge me, but also knowing there is someone out there this could help.
Our twins were two and a half. I was just getting to a place where I felt like I could keep up.
You see when the twins were born I went from having one child, to having four…. what seemed like over night.
We are a blended family. Garrett was 6. My stepson was 4. The twins were born and then my stepson soon came to live with us. It was a lot of change. Quickly.
I was very naive and not prepared. Becoming a stay at home mom when the twins were born I thought it was going to be super easy. Boy, was that a shock.
Don’t get me wrong, being home and being a mom is what I was made to do. I just was not prepared. I thought we would play games all day. Spend every beautiful afternoon at the park. I had no idea I would struggle just to get a shower and brush my teeth before noon.
When I found out I was having Matthew I fell apart. Not because I did not love him, already growing in my womb, but because I could hardly keep up as it was. How in the world was I going to do this? I had twins who would run in opposite directions and break raw eggs in my living room, for crying out loud. I have two older boys who bickered and fought, one of which had pretty intense behavior issues. My husband ran his own business and worked 12-15 hour days many months out of the year. (There are families who endure much more, I know…. but I was struggling.)
I would wake up each day thinking THIS is what I was made to do, but my goodness this was hard work!
I cried and cried. How on earth was I going to manage?
My very first prenatal appointment I walked in and told my OBGYN something I still to this day regret with every fiber of my being.
He confirmed I was pregnant (at this point I was literally at least 10 weeks along…)
I told him after the delivery I wanted my tubes tied. I sat in his office at this very visit and completed the paperwork to have a tubal ligation after Matthew was born.
Fast forward to the day I delivered him…. as they wheeled me back I started to have regret. I asked how permanent this was.
Quickly I was told that if I expressed any reservations they could not do the procedure. I quietly turned my head and remained silent.
Matthew was born by c-section and the instant I heard his cry I was madly in love. A blessing I had no idea I needed in my life. He changed me in so many ways.
The tubal was performed. I was told my uterus was in bad shape and the membranes were exposed (there was a uterine window).
Matthew has been my baby for six years. I went through that pregnancy knowing I would never be pregnant again, by choice. And now it is the biggest regret I have ever made.
Yesterday one of my childhood friends I’ve known since 6th grade called. We talked for 4 hours. About shame, regret, raising large(r) families, homechooling, marriage, children… everything. It felt so good to talk to someone who understood. And finally I could identify what the feeling is surround what I think is one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. She reminded me that most of the people she knows who have had tubals do regret it. It is such a permanent decision to live with.
For years I have dismissed it and thought I would have never been able to have another child with the condition of my uterus, but now I know this is not necessary true. Our bodies heal. The Lord answers prayers. My regret is normal. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
If this is a decision you’re considering, I encourage you to really, really think it through. Remember that every baby is a blessing that is wonderfully made.
Matthew has been one of the most amazing blessings to this family who has taught me so much. He has made me a better mom is more ways than he will ever know.
Am I alone? What is your biggest regret?
More Parenting Advice