The Line Between Mothering Him and Being His Wife
Have you heard wives that have told their husbands, “I am NOT your mother!” or husbands who tell their wives, “You are NOT my mother!” They both have completely different meanings when they say this.
A wife who says this to her husband is making it loud and clear that her husband shouldn’t expect her to clean up after him, iron his shirts, fix his meals, or anything that his mother did to serve him. Whereas a husband who says this to his wife is telling her that he doesn’t want to be controlled, scolded or told what to do by his wife.
Most men need a mother until they find a wife. They need someone to cook, clean and make a house a home for them. {Have you seen bachelor pads???} Most men are not good at these things because it is not what God created them to do. Men were created to be the providers and protectors. They are much better at looking at the big picture than most women. They are the creators and builders; think jets, highways, buildings, electronics, electricity, houses, etc. God saw that men needed a help meet and so he created women. Women are good at the details of life, whereas men are not.
However, grown men don’t need a wife who tells them what to do, disciplines them with her moods, scolds them or tries to control them. Hopefully, they had a good mother who disciplined them and trained them to be a hard working and obedient child when they were growing up. You wouldn’t want your husband to constantly be scolding and trying to train you! Please, give him the same respect that you desire from him.
One of my mom’s best friends had a very messy husband. No matter how many times she asked him to clean up after himself, he failed to do it. One time, as she was giving him another tongue lashing for not picking up his dirty clothes, he stood there and cried. She decided right then and there that she would NEVER do that again to him. It wasn’t worth destroying her marriage and her man. She realized that he worked hard and provided a wonderful living for their family, so she decided she would take good care of him from that day forward.
Therefore, women, become your husband’s help meet. Find out what pleases him. Fix his favorite foods. Clean up after him happily, being thankful that you have a husband to pick up after. Do everything you can to live at peace with your husband. Nothing takes peace from our lives faster than being in conflict with our husband! Peace is a wonderful thing! Children and marriages thrive in a peaceful home. Pursue peace. Most men would do anything to live at peace with their wives. Please work on being the first one to stop the conflict and gifting him with a home filled with peace!
If it be possible, as much as lies in you,
live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18
MORE Marriage Advice:
- No Greater Love
- How Arrogance Destroys Marriage
- Not Happy in Your Marriage?
- Stop Arguing and Start Smiling
- How to Stop Arguing
- Becoming a Joyful Wife
- A Prideful Heart
- Are You a Vow Keeper?
- Staying in a Miserable Marriage
- Creating a Peaceful Marriage
- Purposing to Love More
- Loving Through Imperfection in Marriage
- How Expectations Kill Marriages
First, I want to say that agree with being submissive to my husband, and I do understand that men and women have different strengths that allow each to succeed at different roles. That being said, what about the wife who works a full time and part time job so that her husband can work part time at a church and still make ends meet, and then he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor? I don’t ever think it’s okay to scold or diminish your husband, but when one spouse is doing almost all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, financial planning, grocery shopping, and working twice as much, is it fair to still silently pick up after him as he sits on the couch, unaware of how much the wife feels like she’s taken on the majority of the load?
You should certainly bring up your concerns to him and ask him if he would help you carry the load but if he still continues to leave his dirty clothes on the floor, I would encourage you to quietly pick them up. It only takes a few seconds and bringing conflict into the marriage isn’t worth it. You can’t make him clean up. If you try, you will simply cause a wedge in the relationship. If I were you, I would be praying daily for the Lord to bring more work into your husband’s life so you can be home more. Running a home is a full time job and much more suited to a woman’s role.
Thank you for your insight. I truly do have a wonderful husband who wants to help when he can. He asks and offers to help with anything he can; I guess my frustration comes because he asks what he can do instead of just acknowledging a need and doing it. Asking me what to do makes me feel like I’m being his mother, assigning him chores, and then I feel guilty for burdening him with what I feel should be my job. Maybe I just struggle with a relationship so loving that he truly has no alterior motives other than seeking to help. We’ve been married for less than a year and are learning each other in the process. Blogs like these from Godly women like yourself are such a blessing to us young marrieds!
See this is the problem that most women have; they think their husbands can read their mind. No, they can’t. If he’s willing to help you, by all means, ask for his help when you need it instead of being angry with him! That’s such an easy solution to your problem! Most men are terrible at housework and just don’t have homemaking eyes to see what needs to be done like women do. God created us this way.
My husband is the main bread winner. This brought tears to my eyes. I needed to hear this. Just tonight I say alone in frustration as I felt sorry for myself of how messy my husband is and I always have to clean up after him. He is MEGA messy and does not clean at all. I so needed this & it’s right on time. I feel renewed to keep cleaning for him & I should do it with the mind set of its not just for him but FOR HIM ( Jesus) do it as if for him,,, as he said as you do unto the least of these right? I think that applies in our home too & needed to remember. I love that verse you shared at the end and will ponder that this week!
I read many years ago that “self pity is Satanic” yet it is so easy to get into that state of mind. When you do, always remember where it is coming from. We are called to be thankful and even rejoice always! God hates grumbling and complaining for the joy of the Lord is our strength. Bless you, my dear sister, as you learn to LOVE serving and pleasing your husband. This will make you happy! God’s ways are so opposite the world’s ways but they are so good.
Love this! I’m glad my husband for the most part is independent. Until it comes to food. He is extremely picky, and I confess, many times I yell, “I’m not your mom, you’re in a different house, with a different culture, this is the new normal.” But I love what you have said, and I will start looking at things differently. Thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome, Neyssa! Life is so much better when we simply choose to focus on the positive and good in others and speak only words of life and encouragement. And be thankful for all the blessings we do have!